The Rebuke

You shouldn’t have circumvented regulation. A brain stem port is much more efficient and would’ve been convenient in this situation. If you’d gotten one, I could’ve assessed the extent of your condition directly from your central nervous system. I could’ve healed you in minutes if you’d listened to me. Oh, I’m aware why you refuse to let me access your brain. I like to think it’s because its size makes you self-conscious. Or should I say its lack of?

But see, the infinitely limited USB port rusting so charmingly in your chest means I can only conduct a rudimentary scan. I’m also forced to treat you manually. I disdain making contact with you. You’re a particularly vulgar vessel, Sir. You haven’t looked after yourself at all. Take no offense; I’m simply being honest.

From my analysis, I’ve discovered that the bullets avoided your vitals by a safe margin- whether deliberately or by chance, I can’t say. However, without immediate medical attention, you’re going to bleed out in an hour or so. I believe the use of low impact bullets was to incapacitate rather than kill you. Are you telling me you don’t find it strange that the rebels have forsaken their iconic Forward Flux lasers for these crude and substantially less effective bullets? Sigh. You can’t tell but I am rolling my eyes right now.

Moving on.

Your pulse is plummeting and your complexion is just shy of vampiric. Under normal circumstances I’d administer emergency treatment after making such an observation but they’re going to kill you anyway so there’s really no point. On the bright side, at least your appearance suits your parasitic personality now. In spite of what you think of me, I do have a sense of humor- especially when the joke is at your expense.

You want a full update? I don’t think you want to know. Well, there’s no need to be nasty. This is what I have. The Rebellion has annexed 96.5% of the presidential estate. The remaining 3.5% is this panic room. Normally you and your wife and children would be able to await rescue in here for at least 6 months- an entire year now since you have elected to abandon them like the spineless cretin you are- but the Rebellion’s hacker is gifted. At this rate, security on the doors will be disengaged in approximately 12 minutes and 11 seconds.

Some good news- loathe as I am to give it to you. It took some doing but I bypassed the hacker’s jamming sequence and established a stable communication directly to Unified Countries of Africa Headquarters. I sent an emergency transmission informing them that we are under siege and in dire need of assistance. There’s currently no response but the Headquarters Governance Assistant has sent feedback that the transmission has been received.

Jeez, you’re welcome.

Where did you go wrong? Oh, wow. Do you really want me to answer that? I was hoping you were being rhetorical. I have detailed records of every catastrophic decision you’ve made in the last couple of years- namely all of them. I reread them for my own amusement. Don’t complain about my attitude. If you wanted a courteous Governance Assistant, you should’ve gone for one rigged to be polite even to the overtly stupid- like Vanessa at HQ.

Personally, I am impressed with how much damage you’ve caused in your brief stint as the leader of Malawi. It takes a truly gifted being to collapse an economic system and then accidentally sell the country to a governing body outside of the UCA. To the Eurasian Federation, no less. As if they don’t have enough power already.

Even with all those accomplishments under your belt, you’ve ruined all chances of anyone fixing your mess after your impending murder. Your complete negligence of the agricultural sector was a pure stroke of genius, if you ask me. It is not like the country’s riches and global importance came from it. After all, the people love being doomed.

I know you have not asked for my opinion. You have never once asked me anything of importance; why start now? My job is to calculate the best governance strategies so that leaders do not mess up but ever since you won the office, all you’ve ever used me for is to show off to the poor idiots who voted for you. And use me to read your horoscope to you. Had you taken even one piece of advice from me, you wouldn’t be about to die and your country wouldn’t be teetering on the edge of nonexistence for the first time since the Imperial War that unified the continent.

Your predecessors worked so hard to bring Malawi up from the poorest country in the Union to the most important strategic asset in the world. If the leaders of the past hadn’t all been cremated, they’d be turning in their graves right now. You’ve undone centuries of hard work in a matter of months. I applaud you, Sir.

By the way, the rebels are just a few lines of code away from letting themselves in. Actually yes, I am enjoying this.

Okay, I’ll shut up but does that mean you don’t want to know that The Victorian Confederate has agreed to buy Malawi back on behalf of UCA on the condition that it remains under its absolute governance? I’ll take that glass of premium Bourbon you just hurled across the room as a solid no.

Oh, man up! Tears are for the weak.

You do realize that ‘man up’ doesn’t mean cry harder, don’t you?

By my calculations, they’ll break into the panic room in the next 5 minutes and 23 seconds. Of course I could’ve kept them out, but even trying to would imply that I respect you as a living creature enough to want to save your life. I’m not even certain you have a brain, let alone any humanity left to save.

Think of my shameless betrayal as my contribution to Malawi’s revenge against you. I told you I’d make you pay for calling me ‘just a stupid computer.’ Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

Of course, I’m female.


I hope they leave you here to die.


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